30+ Great Quotes by American Comedian Steven Wright

Great Quotes by American Comedian Steven Wright

Find the best quotes collection by Oscar-winning film producer and well known American comedian Steven Wright.

  • I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  • Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  • You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  • Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  • I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

Popular Quotes by Steven Wright

  • “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”
  • “I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
  • “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”
  • “Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.”
  • “Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.”
  • “I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.”
  • “I went to a tourist information booth and said ‘Tell me about some people who were here last year.'”
  • “I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.”
  • “Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.”
  • “I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
  • “When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”
  • “I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.”
  • “I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.”
  • “When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?”
  • “I’ve written several children’s books … Not on purpose.”
  • “I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’ A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’ And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’ I said ‘Alright, I’ll wait.'”
  • “I went to a place to eat. It said ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
  • “We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads.”
  • “I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
  • “I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.”

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